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Accent? What accent?
A few years ago after retiring early, I took a part-time position as a sales assistant in a marine supply store here in Ontario. One of my pleasures working there was meeting folks that came from Newfoundland. I suppose that was due to the fact that both my parents had Newfoundland roots and I had spent time there throughout most my summers as a youngster. The store obviously attracted customers that had a passion for things nautical. I enjoyed meeting all of those folks because of our shared interests, but I especially loved to engage those with a Newfoundland accent in conversation, which brought back so many memories. On this one day in particular, I overheard a Newfoundland accent and I was drawn directly to this gentleman. I approached him and asked where he was from in Newfoundland. He replied, "How did you know I was from Newfoundland?" "Your accent, of course. I recognized it immediately because my parents are both Newfoundlanders," I said. His reply was classic. "You know, b'y, you're right, but I never had an accent 'til I came to Ontario." That led to a fascinating conversation. His comment was so true.
A Laugh Between Friends
My friend and I played darts together for years, on Thursday nights. This one night after supper, my friend called to see if I was going to darts. After I said yes, she asked if I had any moose at my place. I said yes and she asked, "Can you bring me some when you comes up?" I said OK and went to the freezer to get two bags: one was a roast and one was for soup. She didn't say what she wanted it for. When I got to my friend's house she was in the bathroom, so I went ahead and put the moose in her freezer. She came out and asked, "Where's the moose?" I said, "I put it in the freezer." "The freezer? Why? I wanted it to finish doing my hair." It was then I realized she wanted my styling mousse, not my wild moose.
Church Widows error
A Pastor who had moved to a new church location discovered that one of his responsibilities was the weekly bulletin. After a few errors, some people became very interested in getting the bulletin and becoming the proofreader after it had been printed. As a result there was often a correction during the announcement time by the Pastor. At church one Sunday morning, the Pastor circulated an agenda for a upcoming meeting as the service was concluding. On Tuesday night, as the meeting began, he noticed one of the church widows sat near the front. As new business on the agenda began, the Pastor commented that the first item was "church windows," but an attendee said, "Pastor, you made a mistake on the agenda then. "Why?" asked the Pastor. He said, "Because you have 'church widows' written down!" To which the widow near the front responded, "That's why I'm here! I thought you had found me a husband!"
One morning, I decided to go shopping in a big mall in the next city. It was well worth the drive. Hours later, I smiled as I walked out of the grocery store with a full cart. I had found everything on my list and more. Good bargains, too. The next day, I would be hosting a nice dinner for friends who had just returned from wintering in Florida. We had a lot of catching up to do and I was looking forward to spending time with them. I rolled my heavy cart up to my car, took the key fob from my purse, and pushed the "unlock" button. Nothing happened. I tried again. No click. I figured the fob was old and maybe the battery had died. Did fobs even have batteries? I retrieved my second fob from my purse and tried that one, unsuccessfully. Scenarios ran through my head. Do I call a locksmith? Do I call my car dealership? I'm going to lose precious shopping time. Sweat starts forming at the nape of my neck. My mind starts racing: even if a locksmith unlocks my car, will I be able to lock and unlock it again later? My car is full of goodies! If I hire a tow trick to take my car to Chevy, will they have a courtesy car available? Maybe I'll have to rent a car and transfer my purchases. Or should I take a cab? Or call a friend? I looked inside my car and spotted a bottle of hand soap in the cup holder instead of my blue water bottle, which meant... it's not my car. I looked down the aisle. There were three empty spaces and in the fourth spot is my silver Equinox! I'm standing beside my car's twin, parked in the same row, in the same big parking lot, on the same morning! What are the chances? Relieved, I carried on and the rest of my day went by without a hitch. Now, a small, cute, brown teddy bear with a bright red sweater hangs from my rear view mirror so I can find my Equinox easily. I will not be fooled twice! Nicole Foucault Gold River, BC
Church Bells Are Ringing
When my sister and I were only children around the ages of 7 and 9 we lived in Scarborough, Ontario with our parents. Our parents were the live-in superintendents of a large apartment building on Lawrence Avenue. If my parents had to run out for a couple of hours, they would always leave a note on their apartment door and it would read, "Sorry we are out of the office for a couple of hours, if you have an emergency please call (their phone number)." My parents used to attend church on Sunday evenings. One evening while in church a phone rang in the church office but that was then drowned out by the singing of the hymns. A few minutes later someone had gone out of the office and announced, "Well that was a strange call we just received, I answered the phone with, 'Good evening, you have reached the Pentecostal church on Markham, how can I help you,' to which the guy on the other end said 'Do you fix fridges?' and I replied, 'No I'm sorry sir, we save souls.'" The place went up in an uproar. The one who received the call said, "Whoever has the number of (my parents' number) you have a tenant who has a problem with a fridge which needs fixing." My mom and dad heard this and they tried as quietly as they could to leave church.
My husband was a Newfie who wandered out to Alberta and stayed. He had a true down east sense of humour, and one day we realized that he had unknowingly passed it on to our eldest son, who was about 8 at the time. My husband had done something special around the house that day and was looking for some appreciation from his family. At the dinner table he told us what he had done, and finished by saying, "Where would you get another Dad like that?" Without hesitation, our 8 year old son replied, "At the Manpower Centre." My husband was truly struck with not a thing to say. The Joyce Family
My Dad's Shoes
My father and stepmother were on a road trip from Lloydminster to Lethbridge, AB. He needed to use the washroom and found a site with an outhouse. He say down and when he finished, he stood up and his wallet fell out of his pocket into the hole! He just stared at it, wondering what to do. All his money and cards were in it. He uttered a few colourful words, and exited the outhouse like a lost delirious man walking around purgatory. When his mind cleared, he thought he could find a branch or stick to fish it out. Then, he saw in front of him, like a lightning bolt, a ladder, broken, but it could still be used. He put the ladder down the hole in the outhouse and went down. But then, the lid fell down on his head, along with a lot of nastiness. He reached for his wallet and grabbed it, but then all hell broke loose. The ladder began sinking into the worst smelling stuff anyone could imagine! It was becoming a nightmare and he was sick to his stomach. He had to get out, now. Once he got out, his wife got a garbage bag, and he took off his soiled clothing and put it in the bag, cleaning up his legs as best he could with his shirt. They were about 25 minutes from Lethbridge, and here he was in nothing but his underwear. Once they arrived, he asked his wife, "Where is my wallet?"and she replied, "I left it on the bumper! Didn't you put it in the bag with the clothes?" All that ordeal just to lose the wallet on the highway! But when they got out of the car, there was the wallet, still sitting on the bumper, like an angel was holding it. They arrived at the motel, and he put plastic bags on his feet, and marched into the lobby in his underwear with plastic bags for shoes! People laughed, the desk clerk sprayed air freshener, and everyone held their noses. Finally, they made it to their room, where he got a hot bath and cleaned his clothes and the contents of his wallet. Angela Christenson
The "Ghost" in the Hose
Years ago in Bay de Verde, there wasn't any running water, like many other places in Newfoundland back in the forties and fifties. Some homes had a sink in the kitchen for washing dishes, but there was only a straight plastic hose connected to the sink for the water to run out, and the water went underneath the house. When I was about 11 or 12, I discovered that you could pick up the end of the hose and hear the people talking in the house. My father lived next door to his brother, and both houses had a sink. So one night I decided to play a trick on my uncle. I waited until it got dark and went in under his house and picked up the hose that hooked to the sink; it was just a straight piece of hose. When I put the hose to my ear, I could hear my aunt in the kitchen. I put my mouth to the end of the hose and called out, "I'm here but you can't see me." Then I put my ear to the hose and I could hear my aunt saying, "Come here, I can hear someone, there's someone here." My uncle came in and said, "There's nobody here, you must be hearing things." I put my mouth to the hose again and repeated the same thing, and she called him in again, saying, "There's someone here!" He said, "There's nobody here, you must be crazy woman!" The next day, I told my father what I had done the night before, and he told my uncle. They both had a laugh about my aunt thinking she had heard a ghost in the house! Stan Walsh Bay de Verde
My daughter was about 8 or 9 years old and used to come to my classroom to wait for me to go home as her Mother was away working. One afternoon on our arrival, she said, "Dad, I have two important questions for you. First, where do babies come from?" I don't know how I got around that one, I probably deferred it until her mother got home, bracing myself for the next one. Her next question was, "How often do you clean your chalkboard?" Charles Beckett Gambo, NL
At recess, a local teacher was telling us about earlier days and using Eaton's catalogue as a substitute for toilet tissue in the outhouses or outdoor toilets. A teacher from the Philippines replied, "That must have been awfully rough." The local teacher retorted, "We only used the pages with the fur coats." Charles Beckett Gambo, NL
A few years ago my daughter and her two kids came for a visit. It was a hot summers day so I decided to take my grandkids and their mother for a drive. At the time the Trinity Loop was in operation so that's where we headed. My two grandkids, Andrew and Giselle, were in the back seat. Andrew was about 7 and his sister was 11. Giselle didn't want to put on her seatbelt. For some reason the cops pulled me over, just a routine check I think. Giselle's mom said, "Giselle, put your seat belt on, the cops are hanging us up." She hurried and got it on in time. The cop checked my driver's license and said "Good to see you all got your seatbelts on" and was about to leave when Andrew spoke up and said, "Excuse me Mr. Policeman but my sister didn't have her seat belt on but when she seen you coming she put it on." We could only laugh even the cop. He said "Well, she has it on now, and Giselle you must keep your seatbelt on."
I Love Your Buns
Two years ago, I visited my friend at the hospital in Fredericton, NB. While I was there, a couple came in and began passing out their homemade tea buns. They were delicious. Being a Newfoundlander, I said to the woman, "I love your buns." My son said, "Mom, do you know what you just said?" "Yes. I said I love your buns." "Mom, she probably thought you were making a pass at her. They don't call them buns up here, they call them biscuits." I ran to catch up to her to explain but she must have run faster than me because I couldn't catch her.
When my grandson, Jared, was about two and a half, his Mom took him to the dentist. The dental assistant, in her lovely manner, said to him, "Does everybody know what beautiful big blue eyes you have?" And Jared thought for a second and said, "I don't think so because I don't know everyone." Sadie Osmond Fredericton, NB
Rocking It Out
When my son, Adam, was 2 years old, he was sick one day, and I was rocking him in the old rocking chair. With his little head on my shoulder, I began to sing him a lullaby to soothe him. Shortly afterwards, he lifted his head and put his little hand over my mouth and said, "Don't sing, Mommy, please don't sing." That was the day I found out I couldn't carry a tune. Sadie Osmond Fredericton, NB
Our 78 year old friend passed away in early November, after a long battle with cancer. His wife put a few things in a bag to take to the funeral home: a dress shirt, sweater, pants, underwear, socks, and dentures. After she arrived back home, she discovered that her husband's dentures were in the bathroom! She had taken her own dentures to the funeral home by mistake! She rushed back there with the right dentures and go there just in time. The funeral director was ready to put the wife's dentures in her husband's mouth! What a great relief it was, but it sure brought a chuckle to the wife when she needed it, and also to the funeral director. Beulah and Gordon Morgan CBS
Lost in the woods
My sister-in law loves the woods and all that nature offers. She is, however, very nervous when it comes to being alone and dreads the thought of encounters with wild animals. On one berry picking excursion, she was accompanied by her husband, her mother, and her aunt. As she was picking blueberries, she and her aunt wandered down over a hill and could not see her husband. As usual, she started to panic and started to yell, "I'm lost, I'm lost". Her husband was just over the hill and said, "Can you hear me?" Without hesitation she shouted out again, "I can hear you but I am still lost!" Oh me nerves.
I must Ash you a question
My son took his two children, 4 and 5, out to camp and out fishing on the lake. Of course they're at the age where they want to know the ins and outs of everything - they wanted to know where their great grandpa was now. He died, my son explained, and he asked that we spread his ashes on the lake where we fish. They had a great time and when they got home the oldest one, Owen, was telling his mom all about their trip and when he finished, he said, "Guess what Mom? They even threw great grandpa in the lake!"