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I took my young son about 2 or three years old to church for the first time. I did not expect any problems as he was a quiet child. I passed him a Bible illustrated with pictures representing certain stories. He was familiar with many books and comics at home. Looking in the Bible, the first picture he came to was of Adam and Eve. They were lacking clothes and hiding from God in the trees. He got excited. In a loud, clear voice he spoke up. "Look, Mom - Tarzan!" Ps. That young boy became a minister and preached in Newfoundland. At present he is a Captain in the Air Force at Gander.
This is a true story about my wife's uncle George. Uncle George liked to tip back a few now and then. One night he came home halfway to being three parts on the beer, and of course hungry as a bear. He spies a pot of gear on the stove, grabs a plate and comes to 'er! The next morning, the missus says to George - "George, why didn't you eat your supper last night?" To which George replies "what to you mean? I ate two big plate fulls!" The missus said "but George, your supper is still up in the warmer where I left it." "Well," said George, "what was that in the pot?" The missus said "George! You didn't eat that??!! That was the slop I had for the pigs!!" George - "I wondered what the tea bags was doin' in there!" Nels Temple GFW, NL
When my daughter was 6 year old, myself and my husband decided that I should have my tubes tied because we had 7 children, our daughter the youngest. On the day of the surgery, my husband took our daughter to school. The next day the teacher said "How are you feeling, Mrs. Plante? Joy told me you had surgery." I was just about to say "Great", when my daughter came running up to us and said "My dad said she is going to be okay because she just got spayed!"
My husband woke up and found his arm was red and itchy. I said, "I think it is poison ivy." He said he wasn't near it, but he was complaining so much I told him to go to emergency and get them to check it out. When I got back from walking the dog he was at the back of his car. I asked, "What did they say?" "The intern said it was shingles." I said, "No way. Do you have pain?" "No," he said. So I said, "You don't have shingles." He said he had stress. I said, "You don't have stress!" He said, "Yes I do. She just walked up the driveway!" and we both broke out laughing. When he went back to see a doctor, he found out he had poison ivy. Love it when a woman is right.
When I was twelve years old, we were living on the Horse Islands. One day our neighbor came in from fishing. My mother said to me, "Go down to the stage and cut out some tongues for supper," so I left to do this chore. When I arrived at the stage I said, "Sir, mom wants me to cut out some tongues." "Ok," he said. He passed me a cod. I took the cod, opened its mouth, but no tongue to be seen. I said, "Sir, this cod has no tongue!" He and two or three others laughed at my response. Then he showed me how to cut out tongues. I cut out many meals after that. Before that experience I had never seen tongues cut from a cod since I grew up in a town where no one fished for cod.
One time, back in the early fifties, I was a teenager and I discovered these really nice shoes at one of our stores. They were called 'saddle shoes'. They were an Oxford shoe with mostly white and some navy blue. I wanted those shoes so badly but I didn't know how much they cost. I still don't remember how much they cost, but I felt that I had to have them. Before I could muster up the nerve to ask my father to get the shoes, I ended up being put on complete bed rest. There was a problem with my heart - it was beating too fast and it had to be slowed down. I kept thinking about those saddle shoes though. Finally I was sprung from bed rest. I finally got up the nerve to ask my father if he would pay for the shoes. He answered with "What do you want new shoes for? You can't walk anywhere!" I said "Well, I have to go to my doctor appointments." He said "Well couldn't you just borrow a pair of shoes?" I ended up getting the saddle shoes. Never give up.
It was the year 1998 and I was home visiting for the umpteenth time. This time, I brought a friend. The Royal Regatta was on the go, and my wonderful (late) brother Bill decided to screech in my friend. I stepped back to watch proceedings. About 15 minutes later, my niece Megan ran over to me crying and displaying a great outburst of concern and terrified for me, saying: "Aunt Diane have nothing to do with him! Have nothing to with him Aunt Diane!" I was worried and concerned about what was happening with Megan, she was about 5 years old. I became alarmed holding her and asking "Megan, sweetheart, what is wrong?" again she insisted over and over have nothing to do with him Aunt Diane! "But Megan, why?" I asked again and then she blurted out her reason: "HE KISSED THE SMELLY FISH!" I told this story at her wedding 20 years later, I can still hear the laughter from the guests!
Kids Say the Weirdest Things!
My son who was five at the time asked my neighbor who was removing paint that had chipped away from his front steps what he was doing. My neighbor explained to my son that he was removing old paint with paint remover, which then prompted my son to ask him if that was what happened to his hair! This happened many years ago and although I am now 87 years old, it still makes me laugh from time to time.
A few years ago, my husband and I crossed the gulf from Nova Scotia. We arrived in Port aux Basques 7:30am, it was a beautiful sunny morning. I was driving as my husband was recovering from surgery. He was reclined in his seat, sleeping. Suddenly, something hopped from the bush right in front of my car and jolted him awake. I explained the bump and he went back to sleep. At least 1.5 to 2 hours later, we were almost to Corner Brook. A RCMP car was driving towards us, he put on his lights and turned around on the highway. I woke my husband up and told him we were being stopped by the police. He thought I was speeding, which I wasn't. The officer walked up to my window while pulling on a pair of gloves. He greeted both of us and said, "hold on a moment." He then walked to the front of the car, took a RABBIT off the grill, threw it over the bank, walked back, said "have a good day" and got in his car, turned again and drove away. We laughed all the way to Grand Falls! That rabbit cost us $2300.00 in damages, but it was funny!
Here's another story from my teaching days on the Northern Peninsula. It was Halloween. The morning after the big night, the father of three boys called them together and said: "Now, tell me; which one of yous was responsible for tippin' the outhouse over the bank and into the landwash? No one replied. So he told them the story of the young George Washington chopping down the cherry tree, and how he was rewarded with a piece of pie for telling the truth. So one of the sons, Larry, confessed. "It was my idea, Dad; but we all helped do it." Father said: "No more outside activities for you for a week. You're grounded!" "But Dad," said Larry, "I thought I was going to be rewarded for telling the truth, like George Washington." Father replied: "That was different. George's father was not up in the tree when he cut it down!"
In Northern Newfoundland, the term used for 'seal' is (or used to be) 'swile'. And, to carry an armful of wood from the woodshed to the kitchen stove, was to 'spell', as in "Go spell in some wood for me, will ya?" In my teaching days, the female teacher in my school shard this incident: One day in March, John was missing from school. When he returned the following day, she said, "John, you were not here yesterday. Where were you?" "Out swilin', miss," he said. She replied, "you were doing what?" "Out swilin', miss." She asked, "How do you spell that?" He replied, "Miss, we don't spell it; we drags it!"
A Holy Horse
This priest had a horse and the Bishop heard about it. He told the priest to get rid of his horse because it was not allowed. The priest phoned his good friend and told him that he had to get rid of his horse, Bishop's orders, and he was giving the horse to him. The priest told him "Bill, this is a special horse, he doesn't go by normal commands. He's a holy horse. To get him to go, you have to tell him 'Praise the Lord'. And to stop, it's 'Amen'! A few days later Bill decided to go for a ride. He put the saddle on the horse and got on. "Oh yeah, I have to remember the different commands," he thought. So he said "Praise the Lord" and the horse started to move. Twice more and now he's at full gallop. He was having so much fun 'til he noticed he was getting close to a cliff! He yelled "Whoa! Stop!" but he couldn't remember the words for the horse to stop. One foot away from the cliff's edge he yelled "Amen!" and the horse stopped. Bill said, "Wow I'm so lucky, thank you God!" and then said, "Praise the Lord!"
Go-go en francais
My confession is that I worked as a go-go waitress for one summer. I told people I was inspired by Gloria Steinham, who worked as a Playboy Bunny with Hugh Hefner for some time. Steinham was an ardent feminist of the 1960s. As she took on Hugh Hefner, I took on the go-go dancing scene. Most go-go dancers are waitresses as well. You don't dance in a cage. That's reserved for strippers. You dance on a stage or platform, and, as a waitress, you come more in contact with the public than strippers do. I found my ad for go-go waitresses in the Gazette. I worked for Agence Cherrier on Cherrier Street. My costume was made by women who also worked for Agence Cherrier. It consisted of a pastel, multicoloured bikini with a deep pink crocheted vest for cover while working on the tables. Agence Cherrier worked in the rural areas of Quebec. It sent dancers out for limited periods of time to small towns and villages. The majority of the dancers were white and francophone. I took the job because I wanted to do a little research myself into the sex industry. I told some people I was 'curious yellow', or that they could call me Mellow Yellow, or some other nonsense like that. I have several stories from my go-go dancing days. I told the one I am recounting here at a family reunion in Newfoundland one summer. The Newfoundlanders, with their own accents, found it hilarious. I happened in a small town, maybe Gatineau, I'm not sure. A plus to anything I learned about sex through go-go dancing was what I learned about language. In smaller places in Quebec, I learned, only about a dozen people speak any English at all. I arrived in Gatineau (if it was there) to this effect. I immediately started practicing my French with customers. But there was one cashier there who would interrupt me every time with "Elle ne parle pas francais! Elle ne parle pas francais!", so we would switch to the customer's very poor English and struggle with it. Someone later suggested the French might have wanted to learn English more than I wanted to learn French. Certainly, the cashier may have. This pattern of behavior repeated itself all evening, until the last few customers came in. "Elle ne parle pas francais!" the cashier repeated. Then she looked up and said "She try d'ough."
the lowly codfish
The following inscription was discovered on an outhouse door somewhere on the northeast coast. The codfish lays 10,000 eggs, The hen she lays but one. The codfish she makes ne'er a sound, The hen cackles when she's done. Now the lowly cod she gets no praise, But our hen, she's such a prize, Which only goes to show ya, That it pays to advertise.
I was talking to my daughter who is a Kindergarten teacher. I was telling her how some of the seniors I know were saying they worried when removing their mask they may unknowingly lose a hearing aid and that could be expensive if not found. She replied that young children also have a problem when wearing a mask. They can't place their finger in their mouth to wiggle a loose tooth.
In the late 90s my grandson was three years old. It was in the evening after supper, not many children's shows on that hour, and he wanted to watch something. I was going through the channels for him and came upon curling. I said "would you like to watch that?", "ok," he said, and I went on in the kitchen. After about 15-20 minutes he came out and said "they got it all cleaned up now, Nan!"