9 or 10 years ago I submitted an article to The Downhomer about my wife's desire to be buried with our son Arthur when cancer takes her life away. I have been trying to manage without her for almost 2 years but as time goes by every day without my 'Lifeline' seems harder. For anyone to understand how I feel my life has been without her I will give you an example as follows.
I was driving on a dark as death night down an unlighted road, not sure where we were going, with Mary and our children (all of whom I loved without reservation) in the car. Everyone was crying, "where are we?" "I'm hungry!" "I have to pee!" "I hate you!" "Will we ever get there?", I kept on driving the car. At the time I was young enough to not let what anyone was wailing about to interrupt my thought processes and kept on driving without uttering a word. No words of comfort, solace or understanding. I was me and I just kept soldering on! I didn't know where or which way to turn but, somehow I knew, or maybe I hoped, that when I came to the right place I would intuitively know that "this is where I turn."
Without Mary to guide me I feel the same way as I did years ago when we were lost somewhere in N.B.
Not young anymore, not self-assured, lost on a dark and dreary road. Not knowing which way to turn. Each night I go to bed hoping to sleep until I am no longer among the living. And I won't have to live with cancer anymore.