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Not a Cell Phone
My husband would take his 84-year-old father, Gerry, grocery shopping weekly. One day they were shopping and my husband needed to call me to ask about our groceries. He realized that he forgot his cell phone. He spoke of it out loud. Now Gerry likes everyone to know he is up to date on modern technology. He said, "No problem, Tim; you can borrow mine." Tim said, "But Dad, you don't own a cell phone." Gerry said "Oh yes I do" and proceeded to show him. He struggled for quite a while until eventually out of his pants pocket he pulled out the biggest cordless phone they ever made. My husband starts laughing. He said, "Dad, that's not a cell phone." His father said, "Yes it is. I take it outdoors all the time. It just doesn't work so well too far from home." My husband nearly wet his pants from laughing so hard. His father said, "What?" He wouldn't believe it was not a cell phone.
Take my arm
I live in Ontario but visit my mother, Evelyn - who is 86 years (young) - in Corner Brook. My mom wanted me to make new kitchen curtains to take to her. I phoned and asked my mom, "What are the measurements of the window?" She dropped the phone and took off. She was gone a long time and I wasn't sure that she hung up. When she finally came back on the phone, here's what she said: "This is how long they need to be. Take my arm, then add on from the top of my fingers to my elbow." I said, "What?!" She started again, "Take my arm -- " I nearly died laughing. I then said, "How about the width?" The phone was dropped again. A few minutes later she came back and said, "I can't give you the width because my legs are too short!" I laughed again. Between my laughing and crying, I asked mom "Where's your measuring tape?" She said, "Well, you don't think I'm looking for box 49 in that bedroom closet for a darn measuring tape." When I went to Fabricland to buy the fabric, my son and his wife were with me. When the store clerk asked for the length, I said "Take my arm..." We all burst out laughing as I retold the true story.
We were having supper one evening when my son Donnie was three. We had chocolate cake for dessert and Donnie wanted some. I said, "No, not until your plate is empty." So he took the food from his plate and threw it in the garbage, then asked nicely, "Now can I have some cake?"
Over Christmas, I was walking through a mall when my peripheral vision caught movement in a clothing store. A woman was lying on the floor, behind a small table piled high with sweaters. A saleslady was on her knees, leaning over the supine figure. I rushed into the store to offer help. As I turned a corner, I saw the saleslady removing the arms from the woman on the floor! She was undressing and dressing a mannequin.
Always tell the truth
My daughter-in-law took my two grandchildren to their favorite restaurant for pizza. When 3-year-old Brooke had her fill, she got down from her chair to visit a lady at a table nearby. Brooke lifted the jacket sleeve of this unsuspecting lady and proceeded to wipe her pizza face in it. Her Mom was flabbergasted! "Brooke, did you actually wipe your mouth in that lady's jacket?"
She told her Mom the truth---"No Mommy, I didn't wipe my mouth---I wiped my nose!"
Needless to say, her Mom could have gone through the floor.
Luckily the recipient of Brooke's actions was a good sport and anyone in earshot had his laugh of the day!
Recently I was walking through the woods towards a small pond where I hoped to catch a few trout before the 2016 winter ice fishing closed. I made my way between two small spruce trees to avoid the deep snow. Without warning I tripped and fell face and eyes into wet slushy snow. I tried to get up but couldn't. I thought my coat had hooked on one of the trees. When I turned around however I found that my foot was caught in a cable type fox snare. When I managed to undo the snare from my boot, I turned around again and in front of me was a fox standing in the trail. I could swear that he or she had a sort of sneer on its face. I was surely outfoxed!
This time I am in grade 6, another classroom. It was April 1, April Fool's day. I was alone in the room, my classmates were all outside. The teacher was gone outside, also.
I thought to myself, I must fool the teacher. I stuffed up the bell with paper! Nobody saw me doing it.
The teacher came in and guess what? He gave me the bell to ring!!
The joke was on me. I didn't try it again.
The following incident happened to me when I was in Elementary school, in Foxtrap C. Bay South, When I was 9, in 1950.
I asked the teacher for permission to leave the room please, and I wanted to go to the toilet, which was outdoors.
When I came back, everyone in my grade 4 class were laughing!
I had put my dress and slip down in my navy blue bloomers!!!
Was my face red! I'll never forget it!
Open mouth insert foot!
A couple of summers ago we docked at the wharf in Bonavista for a couple of days. While we were there another pleasure craft was there, I knew the boat came from Southern Shore, but I didn't know the Gentleman that was on the dock. My hubby Don, knew him and when he came onboard our boat and we sat on the back deck talking about this and that with our traveling buddies Dan and Peg all Don said was now this man can sing, assuming that we all knew who he was. He told us that he and his band were on their way to Tilting to perform. He talked about his band and how they have traveled to the USA, considering our buddies are Americans. The conversation continued on and not any idea who he was, I opens my mouth and said what's the name of your band? Answer: Irish Descendants!!! This was Con O'Brien and I didn't recognize him, omg talk about opening mouth and inserting foot! I love their music listen to it all the time, but didn't pay much attention to the artist! Never felt so bad in my life, we were there together for a couple of days, Con was a good sport about it when I told him that I love his music and have their cds. And that's my story! Thanks,
Out for a stroll
A few years back I used to push our overly inquisitive and talkative three year old granddaughter in her stroller. There were occasions, during those strolls, when I would respond by saying, "yes Emma", not really listening or clearly understanding her ramblings. One day she turned to me and asked, "Nan, are you listening to me?", I responded, "yes Emma I am". She then asked, "what did I say?" I was caught.
"I am not a Newfie"
I was born in Sydney, Nova Scotia but my mother came from Garnish and my father was from Bonavista. I Spent many wonderful summers in my early years in Bonavista. When I was four, my grandmother came to stay while my mother was in hospital giving birth to my brother. One day, my grandmother called me a "Newfie". I immediately replied quite emphatically that I was not a "Newfie" but a "Cape Bretoner";. My "Nanny" then proceeded to supply me with these great words of wisdom using her broadest Newfoundland accent.
"My son, when the cat crawls in the oven and has kittens you don't call them cookies"
G'day Downhome people
We get your magazine each month and have been for many years.
I'd like to share a few stories that have made me laugh out loud and puts a smile on my face when I think about them
My 3 year old niece,a very bright little girl was sizing up her mothers friend who was heavily pregnant. After a few moments of staring the expectant mum notices and tells my niece she has a baby in her belly without missing a bet my niece says You shouldn't eat babies
My nick name is Bernie, but very few call me this apart from my husband Harold. One day our neighbours 5 year old was over hanging out in the kitchen while I was making lunch(toasted BLT's). Well the toast started burning, the smoke detector is going off the child looks at me and asks
Is that why Harold calls you Bernie?
Our girlfriend of many years lived in the Pilbara which is inland dessert, 1200km from the Australia coast, so we'd only catch up a few times a year. On one of those visits her young son was in our care while mum was out. so we decided to go to the beach - upon arrival to the beautiful Indian Ocean this young lad, having never seen the ocean before says Wow what a big pool
And lastly and one of my favourites
I am from a very large family and have nephews & nieces that are my age and older..actually I met my husband thru one of my nephews and we still remain best mates. So while we were much younger trying to save money to do the things in life you want to do, we shared a house with one of my nephews who is our age. My young niece use to visit with her mum often since we all lived in the same city-one day while driving home from auntie's house her daughter asks Mummy why does auntie have two husband's, one upstairs & one downstairs?
These are all true stories and it would give me much joy to see them in print in our next Downhomer issue.
Cheers! Marie Clarke
The Bearded Lady
I was waiting at the local pharmacy to pick up my prescription after having had prostate surgery. I was standing behind a lady who was awaiting her prescription.The druggist, a real wit, said Ed I hope you don't end up with her medication or you'll be in trouble. I replied, "well I hope she doesn't get mine as she will end up with a mustache." Lo and behold she turned around and she did indeed have a mustache. Needless to say, I turned as red as a beet and almost fell to the floor. The pharmacist told me later that he could hardly contain himself considering my predicament. Open mouth and insert foot!
Years ago my youngest sister, Sally, who was then about three years old, woke screaming from a bad dream. When my dad rushed to comfort her, he asked what she had been dreaming about. "How should I know?" she replied, "I had my eyes closed!"