One of the most admired qualities in Newfoundlanders and Labradorians is our sense of humour. We can laugh at ourselves, pull a fast one on a friend, or tell a joke with the best of them. Give our collection of jokes a read and have a laugh telling them at your next family gathering.
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A lady walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a bottle of cyanide to poison her husband. The pharmacist replies "Oh my goodness, I can't sell you a bottle of cyanide for that! I'd be charged with accessory to murder...why on earth would you want to murder your husband?" The lady opens her purse and hands him a photo of her husband getting cozy with the pharmacist's wife. "Well for goodness sakes" says the pharmacist, "why didn't you say you had a precription?!"
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None So Blonde...
A gorgeous young redhead advised her doctor that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" the doctor exclaimed. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left eyebrow, and screamed; then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"Well, no," she replied, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor observed. "Your finger is broken."
A hello from beautiful BC. I am from Grand Falls. My husband and I, two children aged 14 months, 6 years, moved to BC in 1968 - 42 years ago; still miss my home town.
Gladys Mercer Sidney, BC
(3 rating, 6 votes)
St. John's Radio Call In
Caller: "Bill, did you hear the RCMP are sending 70 Mounties to Cuba?"
Bill: "Caller, you mean Haiti?"
Caller: "No Bill b'y, I'm pretty sure they said 70."
Viagra John goes to his doctor and asks for a double dose of Viagra. The doctor says, "I can't give you a double dose."
"Why not?" asks John.
"Because it's not safe," replies the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," says John.
"Why?" asks the doctor.
"Because," says John, "My girlfriend is coming to see me on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming ... click to read moreJohn goes to his doctor and asks for a double dose of Viagra. The doctor says, "I can't give you a double dose."
"Why not?" asks John.
"Because it's not safe," replies the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," says John.
"Why?" asks the doctor.
"Because," says John, "My girlfriend is coming to see me on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
On hearing this, the doctor agrees but says, "OK, I'll give it to you, but you must see me on Monday so I can check whether you've suffered any side effects."
On Monday, John drags himself in. His arm is in a sling. The doctor asks, "What happened to your arm?"
John replies, "No one showed up." ... Hide full submission
Marriage Counsellor
The husband and wife go to a male marriage counsellor after 15 years of marriage. The counsellor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counsellor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I go fishing."
Job Opening A manager had to hire someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"... click to read moreA manager had to hire someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And, now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmmm... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.
Turning to Rudy, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Rudy replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA!"
"WHAT?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh sure," said Rudy. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants." ... Hide full submission
Grandma's Letter Dear Son,
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at ... click to read moreDear Son,
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. ... Hide full submission
