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Berries Uncle Jim Buckle and his new woman Dot
Liked to pick berries, they liked it a lot.
The same could be said for Ross and Bill Barbour
Two brothers who also lived in our harbour.
In fact rivals are what you could say that they were
And you wouldn't say friendly ones either, no sir.
All summer they'd be out on the barren and bog
Trying to outpick each other in rain, ... click to read moreUncle Jim Buckle and his new woman Dot
Liked to pick berries, they liked it a lot.
The same could be said for Ross and Bill Barbour
Two brothers who also lived in our harbour.
In fact rivals are what you could say that they were
And you wouldn't say friendly ones either, no sir.
All summer they'd be out on the barren and bog
Trying to outpick each other in rain, sun or fog.
The hundred years war is what we call it 'round here
And how it got started, nobody's clear
Execpt for yours truly, I remember it yet
Uncle Jim was at the berries, with his first woman Bette.
They were out on the barrens with two tumblers to fill
When out of the burnt woods strode Rossy and Bill
Bill looked at their haul and said, kind of low
"Not going flat out are they brud? No I know!"
"Like to see you do better!" Uncle Jim said, incensed.
And so the challenge was issued and hostilities commenced.
The brothers got busy and as the daylight grew dim
Had a small salt beef bucket full right to the brim.
The skirmish continued for the rest of the fall
'Til the snow came and covered up berries and all.
Then a temporary ceasefire was put into place
But both parties schemed to continue the race.
All winter Uncle Jim and his Missus made plans
And went door to door scrounging old pots and pans.
By springtime, the brothers, who'd stayed out of the clubs
Had a thousand Imperial Margarine tubs.
Soon enough the battle was joined once again
With half starving bears drove back into the den
The barrens were ripped with the maulings and tearings
And the bakeapples picked while still hard as ball bearings.
Who threw the first rock, well we don't really know
Both sides blamed the other as well you might know.
Next thing we knew they had rifles and camo
It was all we could do to keep stealing their ammo.
The brothers rented time on a spy satellite
And rigged up a canon on an old Honda quad trike.
Jim bought some land mines from a guy on the net
Yup, that's what became of his first woman Bette.
Soon enough though he was married again
To a woman best described as Attila the Hen.
But now a new problem loomed on the horizon
A shortage of space to store berries, jams and pies in.
The brothers had ten freezers full right to the top
And a cold storage unit scrounged from the Co-op.
Uncle Jim bought our fish plant closed many a year
And stored all of his and Dot's berries in there.
'Round about this time I started to think
That what they all needed was a really good shrink.
So I put down my copy of the Telegram Funnies
And ordered a book called "Psychiatry for Dummies".
"Seems pretty simple" I said, half way through.
"Guess I'll go straighten out Jim and maybe Dot too."
So I strolled to their house in psychiatrist style
And said "listen you two, you've been in denial."
"And that's what we haven't!" Jim said "by the damn!"
He was stirring a ten gallon boiler of jam.
"Perhaps we might go although I predict
That the 'Gyptians got everything over there picked!"
Having lost a little psychiatrist pride
I concluded the Buckles would stump Sigmund Freud
"Perhaps I'll do better" I thought "cross the harbour,
With my other two patients, Ross and Bill Barbour."
They were out in their shed with a welding machine
At work on the hull of an old submarine
With refrigerant tanks and two diesel compressors
Oh yes Rossy and Bill were quite the professors!
"Now boys" I said "here's my diagnosis
Obsessive behaviour and acute pickanosis
I think I can help you if you'll only take heed
A good 12-step program is what you guys need."
Bill slowly emerged from a torpedo tube
Covered in what must have been torpedo lube
"We've been on one for years now" I then heard him say
"Berries always look better just 12 steps away."
And so ended my budding career as a shrink
Much longer and I think they'd have drove me to drink.
By this time they'd run out of storage again
Having filled up our church then our new Lion's Den.
Uncle Jim had purchased an old supertanker
And filled her to bursting as she lay to her anchor.
The brothers had small vessels of various kinds
And had filled up Bell Island's old iron ore mines.
Then one day the old tanker's chain gave away
And she ended up drifting 'round Conception Bay
Meanwhile below in the tunnels of rock
Ross and Bill's berries had gone all to rot.
The pressure was building from the gasses released
The old ship was drifting from the west to the east.
Then as she passed over the undersea shafts
The pressure released in one almighty blast.
Her hull overstressed by the undersea fart
The old ship went down and she broke all apart.
When things finally settled from that almighty wham
The whole of the bay wasn't nothing only jam.
The four of our nitwits were summoned next day
To magistrates court where the judge had his say.
"Community service down at Purity Foods
Making salt water Jam-Jams and other baked goods."
Well it seemed that the war would go on unabated
'Til one day they discovered that they were related
Now they're all the best kind and don't even get snappy
The barrens are quite and the bears are all happy.
So now I know that the lion can lie down with the lamb
Guess blood is thicker than water, and even thicker than jam.
This poem is available in book form at Running the Goat Press ... Hide full submission
Consider my friends, if you would for a bit
A debate in which you will have to admit
Disagreements abound and tempers get frayed
What's the greatest invention that ever was made?
Some say the computer, the wheel it's been ... click to read moreConsider my friends, if you would for a bit
A debate in which you will have to admit
Disagreements abound and tempers get frayed
What's the greatest invention that ever was made?
Some say the computer, the wheel it's been said.
Then there's the airplane, or even sliced bread
No! The greatest invention as I now will reveal
Was Mr. bombardier's 12 Elan snowmobile.
Light as a feather and strong as an ox
You can run her 'cross gravel, on sand or on rocks!
Simple to fix if she ever breaks down
If you got snare wire and bubblegum lying around.
Able to haul a mountain of wood
or even a mountain from where it was stood
Sure you don't think Mt. Peyton always was there
Sure I hauled that there on a dare, for a beer!
And you've seen those young fellows out skipping on water
The 12 will do that, though I usually don't bother
Till me and the Missus are sick of the slush
And the cold and the snow and then Sheila's brush!
It's then that she'll say "get me out of this fast!"
So we hop on the 12 and I give her the gas
"Where to my ducky?" 'Tis then I will say
As we're hitting mach 1 'cross St. Mary's bay.
"Go south" she will say "'til I tells you to stop"
As we pass Nova Scotia, just touching the lop.
Down the U.S. eastern seaboard yes indeed
And then across Florida, to pick up some speed.
Then back on the water to a nice sunny island
And an hour from home we're back on the dry land
Lead back on the beach with the snowsuit hove off
With some tropical drinks and a tropical scoff.
"So what's the big deal?" you say right off the bat
"Everyone knows a 12 will do that."
Well there's one trip I took about 40 years back
You might not believe but I'll swear on a stack
Of bibles it's true, not a word of a lie
I wouldn't stretch things, I'm not that kind of guy.
I was out on the 12 for a few sticks of wood
And not finding much, not doing very good.
There was nothing but scroff right to the horizon
I'm telling you b'ys I was just about poisoned
Then I saw a new place a little ways off
Thought I'd look for wood there, gassed up and took off.
Well it turned out the new spot was even worse!
"Abitibi's been here!" I let out the curse.
"Guess I'll boil the kettle, have a lunch and some tea
Then go home with the Missus and watch Land and Sea.
Just at that moment a Skidoo came along
Some size of a machine but something was wrong
A hard-looking rig and a rough-looking ride
Then a hatch opened up and a man stepped outside.
Well he never said much, he just looked all around
Then finally he moved, put one foot on the ground
And spoke up the words that he had on his mind
"One small step for man, a big leap for mankind."
"Yes b'y, says I, but no firewood see
I'd say Kreuger's been here, want a cup of tea?"
Well he hadn't seen me and he got quite a fright
His name was Armstrong and he was a little uptight.
"We got a problem Houston" he said
As I offered roast capelin and a bit of hard bread
He said "I'm not hungry" and he looked pretty sad.
But he glutched down the last lassie bun that I had!
Then he jumped back into his queer-looking rig
All wimpy and nish, not nearly so big
As before when out of the sky he had dropped
(I passed him going home just like he was stopped!)
Now the 12 is led up and not doing much
I took out the motor, the belt and the clutch
And shipped them to Churchill for a pretty good dime
While the turbines are down for some maintenance time.
Guess it's back to the woods pretty soon cutting vars
'Though NASA wants to know if there's water on Mars.
But I won't be going there anytime soon
If they don't tell the truth 'bout that day on the moon!
So don't mind the computer and don't mind the plane
Don't mind the wheel, they're all pretty lame
The world's greatest invention, as is now revealed
Was Mr. Bombardier's 12 Elan snowmobile.
Not a Word of a Lie It has often been said, and I can't disagree
That there's no men so tough as our men of the sea.
But two of the toughest who ever did roam
Were Kenny and Mike who lived in Belleoram.
One day late last fall in a moderate gale
In a 16 foot punt with a double-reefed sail
They headed out fishing to their usual spot
With orders from Mom "get something for the pot." ... click to read moreIt has often been said, and I can't disagree
That there's no men so tough as our men of the sea.
But two of the toughest who ever did roam
Were Kenny and Mike who lived in Belleoram.
One day late last fall in a moderate gale
In a 16 foot punt with a double-reefed sail
They headed out fishing to their usual spot
With orders from Mom "get something for the pot."
They hooked a few sculpins and dragged up some kelp
Tried a few different places but nothing would help.
"Oh my" said Mike "looks like a dead loss."
"I know now" Ken said "Mother won't be some cross."
"We'll try somewhere else" said Mike with a sigh
"Perhaps down around Nain, or Ireland's Eye
So haul up the sail, so tight as a bar."
"Don't bother" said Ken "I can scull'er that far."
But the fish wouldn't bite and their luck surely stank
In the Gulf or the Straits or on Funk Island Bank.
"Let's try 'cross the pond'" said Mike with a smile.
"I s'pose b'y" said Ken "but you scull for a while."
Well two hours later they were anchored off France
Having passed through two hurricanes, Alfie and Blanche.
With waves 60 feet and winds 90 knots
Not too bad thought Mike, a bit of a lop.
There was nothing off France and nothing off Spain
'cept a small submarine that they threw back again.
As they crossed the equator they hooked up a squid
With 60 foot arms and a 30 foot head.
"Now then" said Mike "that's a giant one I think"
He had just gotten sloused with a puncheon of ink.
"Throw it back" Kenny said "Mother don't like them things"
But they cut off one arm, for a meal of rings.
Off the Cape of Good Hope they got into a fog
For three or four hours it was thick as a bog.
When it finally cleared up off some Antarctic Bay
A 100 mile iceberg was barring their way.
"Oh my" said Mike "'tis one thing then another
Trying to get supper for Father and Mother"
"Now brother" said Ken "I can't see a way through
So pass up that axe 'til I cleaves 'en in two."
A little while later while off of Somalia
They ran into some pirates who said "We'll keel haul ya!"
Kenny knocked out two dozen one after another
And said "Go home now boys or I'll wake up me brother."
In the Indian Ocean they ran into Paul Watson
With some other Greenpeace jetsam and flotsam.
In spite of the heat they were dressed up in furs
And firing off guns at some Indian turrs.
"Come aboard b'ys" said Paul "we're having a scoff
Of seal meat and whale with the cameras turned off.
My favourite thing is to sit on a beach
With a meal of flippers and a bottle of Screech."
Politely declining the offer from Paul
They rowed to Australia and set out a trawl.
Then they rowed 'round New Zealand and came back for a look
But there was still nothing there that Mother would cook.
Off Hawaii they surfed on some 100 foot waves
Won a prize and got decorated with leis.
Eastbound again Mike said "Look out front
"'Tis Mother" said Ken "in Father's old foot punt."
"Where in the world have you young fellers been
Your poor old Father" she said "what a sin
He came all over sooky and started to sicken
When his supper was only a bucket of chicken."
"Sorry Mom" said Kenny "there's not much on the go."
"Not much on the go!" she said "no I know!"
Her rodney was full of the fish she had caught
From the keel to the top of the thwat where she sot.
Then she said "get home out of it through the Panama Canal
And get your father his tea, you know he's not well.
I'm just going to dart 'round Cape Horn while it's light
And stop into Rio for bingo tonight."
Feeling slightly dejected the boys started rowing
Not really watching out where they were going.
'Til all of a sudden they brought up with a smack
'gainst the side of a ship that was blocking their track.
"Oh my" said Mike "that's an ogis big ship"
"The biggest one yet" said Ken "on this trip."
Then he saw that the captain was someone he knew
"That's skipper Dan Williams on the great Eastern 2!"
Well it turned out that Danny had decided to lay
A cable from Churchill to the U S of A.
"One way or another" he roared from the deck
"I'll get round that crowd of sleveens in Quebec!"
A short while later in the fading daylight
The Panama Canal's western gate hove in sight.
"Not far now bruddy" said Ken with a grin
But a sign said "We're closed, please come back again."
"Oh my" said Michael "Lard Jaysus" said Ken
The boys weren't supposed to be out after 10.
"Pass up the bailer" said Ken with a roar!
"Til I digs a way through to the Carribbean shore!"
From that point on home the trip was routine
And they were tied to the stage at about 9;15.
Father was crousty and wanting his tea
And grumbling 'bout gas from that old KFC.
Next morning their mother tied up to the stage
She'd met up with Danny who was in quite a rage.
"His ship was broke down and you know how he prates
So I hauled his old cable as far as the States."
And so that's the story of Michael and Ken
About average toughness for Newfoundland men.
But if it came to a racket I know that I'd ruther
Tackle both of the boys than tackle their mother!"
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Dry Stone Work of Art
I thought you might be interested in a workshop held recently at the English Harbour Arts Centre in English Harbour, Trinity Bay.
I was among seven participants in the five-day event led by Dan Snow from Vermont who showed us ... click to read moreI thought you might be interested in a workshop held recently at the English Harbour Arts Centre in English Harbour, Trinity Bay.
I was among seven participants in the five-day event led by Dan Snow from Vermont who showed us the techniques involved in dry stone construction. He is internationally renowned in the field and is already planning a return engagement for next year, having fallen under the spell of English Harbour and not minding the odd interuption from breaching whales as well as curious moose!
I have attached two photos of the results of our labours. One shows the whale vertebrae in front of the Centre. The other shows a wave-like structure built nearby. It could be seen as a seascape or perhaps nets strung between pickets.
Anyone interested can do a websearch for Dan Snow or contact the English Harbour Arts centre at 709-464-2424.
Here's the final shot. They were taken at Little River on the south side of Lake Melville not far from my home at Northwest River. My brother, his son and I have been doing this trip annually for about 10 or 12 years, since before Harry could walk! Now he's old enough to show me how to use my digital camera!
